BREAKING news... doughnuts, chips and deep fried cheese are bad for you.
In other news, it's confirmed that the Pope is indeed Catholic.
Yes, the food police have been busy again. Not just in stating the obvious, but with their three-colour paint box too.
"Traffic light" codes on food packaging will soon denote whether food is good for us (green), just OK (amber), or perilous (red), making the return to the nursery almost complete.
Products will be judged on fat, salt, sugar and calorie content – no mention of carbohydrates, oddly.
Unveiling the plan, Broxtowe MP and Health Minister Anna Soubry said the system will help us make healthier food choices.
Oh really? How long did it take them to cook up this idea then? I don't think it will make people think twice about the food they regularly put in their shopping basket.
Especially those who have neither time, money nor inclination to stock up on fresh, (and expensive) wholesome ingredients.
The forthcoming traffic light plan is bound to stall as its ratings are categorised "per serving". Er – OK then. Hands up those who always eat a carefully weighed and measured amount of food? The system is doomed as we'll be comparing apples with oranges.
That Mediterranean diet full of delicious olive oil that supposedly helps us all live longer? It's bad! Synthetic, low-calorie cup-a-soup or fizzy "diet" drinks? Good! Confused? You will be.
Miss Soubry's also stirred things up further by saying food portions in shops and restaurants are too large, singling out cakes and croissants in particular. So forget "supersize", go "Soubry-size" instead.
I think they've got it wrong. We need tastiness ratings instead. Let me suggest low-fat spread gets a "sad face", butter a "smiley" one. Or how about a beige colour rating for bland food such as crispbread?
Why stop there? Perhaps the think tank gurus can also apply a health rating to those other forbidden pleasures: rubbish telly. A little warning that your brain might turn to mush watching X-Factor, TOWIE or any Peter Andre show could be a genuine public service. It still wouldn't stop millions tuning in though (I'm one of them), just like the traffic lights won't stop the majority buying pizza, sausage rolls or chocolate biscuits.
Food-wise, chefs tell us to keep it simple; MPs are taking this to new levels and it's hard to stomach being treated like a simpleton.
When it comes to food intake, surely the best thing of all is variety – eating all the colours of nature's bounty to get the full complement of nutrients. I don't think we need to be spoon-fed the idea.
I wonder if those fine examples of health and fitness in Westminster will be abiding by the new guidelines at all? I'll be keeping a close eye on the contents of my own MP's trolley when I spot him at the local supermarket.
Oh, some news just in: I can now reveal that you can't in fact nail jelly to the wall (low-calorie: amber light) and that one-legged ducks (very fatty: big red light) actually do swim round in circles. Don't scoff now!