HELLO and welcome to a brand new feature: Big Bother on the Buses – an exciting reality series set on a bus.
It's where grievances are aired, differences settled and where you get to be the judge: the ultimate conductor of conduct.
And, with 11 CCTV cameras on this bus, nothing will go unseen. It's a reality show on wheels.
All aboard? Ding, ding! And, we're off – buckle yourselves in, it's going to be a bumpy ride!
So, you join us at midnight, on the Trent Barton Indigo bus, heading to Beeston by way of Spondon. Our driver? A popular choice, it's 51 year-old mum-of-two, Elaine Stokes from Bramcote. A seasoned driver, you may recall our Elaine as this bus company's Driver of the Year for 2013, she's quite a gal.
Watching this timetable of events along with you at home is our esteemed commentary panel. First up, it's everyone's favourite bickering double act, Bert 'n' Joyce, ably joined today by the affable, Ed Walton.
And, the most important panelist of all? It's you the judge. The passenger passing a verdict.
Gavels at the ready? Then let's see what Elaine makes of this little challenge we've got lined up for her.
Bert:' Ere what's all this then? There's a ne'er do well getting on the bus.
Joyce: You're always complaining, if it's not the kids of today, it's the lack of guidance from their parents, teachers, the coppers, politicians... give it a rest.
Ed: Look out, he's wearing a hoodie! His face is covered, this doesn't bode well.
J: He's threatening the driver! He's saying: 'Give me your money, I've got a gun!'
B: Oh crikey me, how's Elaine going to handle this puzzler?
J: Go on Bert, give her a hand, help her!
B: No way, I'm not getting involved.
E: What the blazes? She's grabbing the delinquent's jumper! I say – he's not a gun after all, he's pretending, it's his fingers instead. She's double bluffed the thieving rob dog.
J: Listen, Elaine's about to say something...
Elaine: "Can anyone help me get this plonker off my bus?"
All: Oh, bravo! (spontaneous applause breaks out).
So, was Elaine a hero: you decide...
Joyce: I think she was really silly, that crook could have hurt her, it's not worth being a hero over a few pounds. Besides, everyone uses a Mango card on Trent Barton, don't they? Can't exactly have been rich pickings rattling around in the money box. Why didn't she tell him she hadn't got any money?
Bert: No, she should have handed over the cash and let the boys in blue tackle him. Where are they when you need 'em, eh?
Ed: Balderdash! She did the right thing. If there were more people like Elaine out there, those hooligans wouldn't fancy their chances as much. She's exhibited uncommon bravery in the face of danger, she's a remarkable sort. Well done her.
Now, over to you. Was Elaine foolish or fearless?
The judges' votes have been counted and verified and it's unanimous, you all say Elaine is a hero! She's the bus driver who pulled out all the stops.
And here's her prize: A front page splash in the Nottingham Post on Thursday, I can see the headline now: 'Get off my bus, you thug' – Hero driver Elaine sends 'armed' robber packing'.
It's just the ticket.
She's a brave woman indeed, now, that's the reality.
